How to Handle Ungrateful Family Members

I got an interesting question from a reader:

“How do I handle my wife having no gratefulness for all I do for her? All she does is nag and be unhappy about everything. I do not wish to divorce her but things are worse with time and I feel that it is only a matter of time till I have to pull the trigger.”

His question reminded me of a video I came across a few months ago on X:

For those of you who don’t speak Hindi, the man’s wife is in the background screaming “You have come? You give 16 hours at home and 72 hours at work! Should I do the housework all day by myself? Say something! You are coming home after 72 hours”

Presumably the guy had a very busy period at work and judging by his look, he’s worked really hard and needs the money.

The wife doesn’t get it and is just whining at him (and disrespecting him by filming him and uploading it online for all to see).

The Problem

The big trouble with ungrateful family members is that you cannot usually be rude and insulting towards them because they are family and it destroys the relationship.

Not only does it not resolve the issue, it also makes it seem like you are the problem person in the relationship.

Harsh words destroy love and create enmity which is something you do not want between yourself and your wife, your children, or any other family member. You want to resolve the situation without creating feelings of hatred.

Not to mention that if you use insulting or abusive language to get your point across, anyone else who hears of the situation is going to think that you are the aggressive party and the ungrateful person is “suffering” because of you (accusations of abuse, etc.).

You need to handle the situation differently.

How to Deal With Ungrateful Family Members

Buckle up because I’m going to tell you something that’s going to make it 1000x easier for you to deal with your ungrateful wives, children, cousins, or whoever else:

Cut off their privileges.

If someone is not grateful for the time and resources that you provide, stop providing them your time and resources.

Do not make a lot of noise about it.

Just do it silently.

For example, if you are paying for your adult children’s bills and they have zero gratefulness for it, stop paying the bills.

It is VERY IMPORTANT that you do not appear angry or frustrated in your voice when they come and complain about it to you.

It should not look like you are the “small person” who could not handle them. You must appear aloof and act like it was no big deal at all.

“Why did you not pay my rent for the month?”

“I can’t afford it, sorry!”

“What will I do now?”

Do not offer advice or help. Don’t be snarky or tell them something like “that’ll teach you…” or something. Just be calm and ask them for their thoughts.

“I don’t know. Do you have any ideas?”

They will say something like “can you do….?” basically asking you to do something.

“I’m sorry I cannot do that to pay your rent.”

They will plead. Sometimes they will apologize.

Don’t give in to resistance and pleas.

BE NICE BUT BE ALOOF.

Let them figure it out themselves. They will need to get a job that pays according to their skill level, move to a cheaper place, live with roommates or whatever else – this is their headache.

Whatever pain they go through in this period is going to change their life and attitude for the better. They are going to learn an important lesson that will serve both you and them for the rest of your lives.

It is only when they truly understand the generosity you are showing them and the life they would have without you that they actually start to respect you again.

And if they still don’t want to respect you, at least you aren’t wasting any more time and resources on them. You can use that time and money to enjoy yourself instead.

Only Scarce Things Have Value

When you are extremely generous and start giving people things unconditionally for free, two things happen:

1) They start taking you for granted and lose respect for you.

Zero scarcity means zero value. You need water to live but you aren’t willing to respect and revere water. On the other hand, if you were dying of thirst, you’d give everything you have for a glass of water.

If you give away your time and resources freely, they will be treated as free items and zero respect and importance will be given to you for providing them.

In the future, if you want to give the thing to them, wait for them to ask at least a few times. The possibility of you saying “no” should always exist in their head.

2) They feel entitled to your time and resources and will get pissed off if it’s not provided to them.

People get used to treating your help as a permanently available and easily accessible asset, and they start feeling entitled to it.

If you do not provide it, they will get upset and act like you’re “not doing your part” even though they aren’t providing anything of commensurate value in return.

Basically this:

You see this type of behavior very frequently from married women. They become so used to their husband giving them a comfortable life that they start thinking that they “deserve it” just for existing.

Many will even say that it’s the husband’s “job” to give her a good life, while at the same time she will expect him to share in the housework and consider herself to be equal to him (you are not equal to someone you depend upon for survival).

I’m not a huge fan of Islam as everyone who reads me already knows, but their book has some valuable wisdom about women:

Long story short: If you do not make people earn their privileges, you are slowly turning yourself into a pack mule (a domestic slave that gets no respect).

How to Deal With Ungrateful Wives

Given the question was specifically about dealing with an ungrateful wife, here is some specific advice:

If the woman is consistently unhappy about something, make her contribute to fixing it.

If she wants you to make more money, make her get a job. If she hates your driving, make her learn how to drive.

Do not keep providing your resources and services for free. Make them start putting in work to get what they want.

In general, you always want your woman to do some work. Never become a provider male. Follow this from the get-go and you will have 99% fewer problems in your marriage.

And no, you won’t become any less of a man by making a woman work for you. (<— Read this linked post. If you are a man, it will change your life forever.)

For example, the guy in the video above has a wife who is disrespecting him about his work hours and telling him that he needs to join in the housework.

What he needs to do is actually work less. He should accept the lower salary that comes with it. He should stop giving the woman all his money.

He needs to tell his woman to get a job and start earning. Even if it’s a menial labor job like becoming a housemaid for someone else.

If he does not open his mouth and tell his wife to find work, he will have to suffer this abuse for the rest of his life (unless he divorces her, but then he has to pay her child support, maintenance, alimony, etc. anyway).

Look, as a man, you don’t need a very big house and lots of material items. Most of us are happy even in shoebox size houses with minimal furniture and items. To a man, a mattress on a floor is not a big deal.

It is women who want big houses, good furniture, decorations, and other worldly comforts. If she does not respect you for providing them, make her earn her demands.

When she starts working at her job, she will realize how much effort and mental toll working 12 hours a day takes. It is not the same as doing housework or shopping at a mall.

The only way she will learn the sacrifices you are making is when she has to make those sacrifices herself. Make her do it.

If this man stop giving her free money and makes her earn her keep, she will get in line in less than 6 months. I guarantee it.

And if she doesn’t, at least he’s now working less and has more time for himself. He can use that to go to the gym, do things he enjoys, etc. instead of wasting it working hard to earn money for an ungrateful bitch.

He can move to a cheaper house with less furniture if the woman does not want to work. The woman can complain as much as she likes. Turn it back on her.

“I simply cannot work that much. If you want more, you need to start working too. Lots of women today go to work. You have not done anything for me to earn the right to make all these demands. We are suffering because of your laziness.”

If you think your marriage is already headed for a divorce, this is absolutely worth trying. There is a very good chance that it will fix her behavior.

Even having her go to work for 1-2 years will change her mindset and outlook for good. She will respect you more.

But remember it will still be beta male level treatment unless you fix your frame.

Use the time you’re saving to fix your body (take the Live Intentionally: 90 Day Self-Improvement Program), fix your frame, and make some female friends.

The last part is important. If you make a few female friends, her treatment of you will change overnight.

It’s called DREAD GAME.

Note: You don’t actually have to cheat on her. She just has to think that it’s possible. It changes the equation from “I can do whatever I like because he’s my husband and he can’t go anywhere” to “If I don’t make him happy, I might lose him to another woman”.

Remember, when you are providing someone with your time/resources for the long term (not as a one time favor), you always want to be in a position of power and authority over them.

They MUST respect you and be submissive to you. Any situation where you are responsible for providing things but get no authority over them in return is a type of slavery.

Cut off the provisions and free yourself. You will either get back the authority and submission, or you will no longer have to provide them with your resources.

You win in both scenarios.

How to deal with passive aggressive behavior

A lot of time, when you cut off entitled and ungrateful people’s privileges, they become bitter and try to gaslight you by acting passive aggressive.

What that means is that they try to make you think that you are the one doing something wrong by not giving them what they want, and that you need to console and apologies to them.

An example situation is this:

1. Woman is sulking
2. You: “Is everything well?”
3. Her: “I’m fine”
4. You: “You don’t look ok. Are you sure you’re fine?”
5. Her: “I said I’m fine”

Instead of coddling her and submitting to her frame, just go with it. 99% of guys lack the balls to do this.

The correct reply is “okay awesome, I’m glad to hear everything is fine” and then do whatever you were going to do anyway.

If you were planning on going out to eat and she doesn’t want to come, just go without her.

Do not act like a bitch. It is not your job to dig into people’s emotions to figure out what’s wrong with them especially when you are being taken for granted. The more you will coddle them, the less they will respect you.

That’s all for this piece.

See you in the next one.

Your man,

Harsh Strongman