Men have been brainwashed into thinking men and women are the same, and so they deal with men and women the same way.
This does not work well and produces subpar results on all ends.
This article discusses how you talk to men and how you talk to women, and what the differences are.
By the end of this article, you will have picked up some social skills that took me many years to learn and understand.
Talking to Men (and Women You Don’t Want to be Intimate With)
When you’re talking to men, unless you have extreme amounts of power like a head of state or a CEO of a company, you want to be diplomatic and suave so you don’t step on their egos while still getting what you want.
For example, if your boss, or your employee, or a business partner asks you to review something and you think their work is bad, instead of saying “This is not good, you did X, Y, Z thing wrong”, you are better off by saying, “Do you think this could be improved if you changed X, Y, and Z?” or “I think changing X, Y, and Z would make a big difference”.
With men, you use precursors like “I think” and “In my opinion” instead of just outright telling them what you think.
This sidesteps men’s instinct to fight and start arguing with you about how they are right and you are wrong, instead of focusing on the point – the work that needs to be improved.
If you tell a man that he is wrong, he will often become defensive and start trying to prove why he’s right and/or start thinking of you as an asshole.
You might argue that “he is wrong, so I was just being honest”, but at the end of the day, being direct with him did not serve you well – it created ill feelings towards you.
You are better off using language that gets the same work results but doesn’t create hostility towards you. In fact, it would be best if you use language that brings you goodwill.
Minimize using words that express complete certainty like “I am sure” and “undoubtedly” when you express your thoughts to men.
Use forerunners like “I think”, “in my opinion”, “unless I’m mistaken”, and “as far as I understand” – pinning these on your sentences ensures you do not trigger people’s ego.
For an example scenario, let’s say your co-worker and you have to go to a meeting together, and you think the time is 10 a.m. and they think it’s 11 a.m. – you can say either of two things:
- “The meeting is at 10 a.m., not 11.”
- “Unless I’m mistaken, the meeting is at 10 a.m., not 11.”
The first one will feel like a contradiction i.e. you’re saying that they’re wrong (this is a mild example, but you get the point) and the second one will be taken in a more constructive we’re-on-the-same-team sort of way.
Besides, if it turned out that you were wrong, you won’t have to be embarrassed if you go with the second sentence.
Another situation: Let’s say you and your boss are discussing some business strategy. Your boss thinks strategy A is good, but you think A is not so good and B is better.
Here are two ways you can express your thoughts:
- “A is not smart because it will lead to ____, ____, ____ problems. B is better because it gives us _____ and _____ advantages.”
- “From what I understand, going with A has the possibility of ____, ____, and ____ problems down the line. I think B might be a better approach because, unless I’m mistaken, it gives us _____ and _____ advantages.”
The first one, depending on your boss, will possibly be taken in a negative way (“who do you think you are”) while the second one will be taken far more positively.
In short: When you’re dealing with men, especially in a business or formal context, there is a lot of value in being diplomatic and avoiding unnecessary conflicts with people.
You want to make money and build relationships with people, and having people dislike you makes things harder for no reason.
Communicate in a way that lets you express your thoughts without creating any hostility towards you. You will find that men are more open to your thoughts when their egos are not in the picture.
Talking to Women (in a Romantic Context)
Everything above works with men and women that you don’t want to be intimate with, but dealing with women when you want to be intimate with (let’s say a girl at a bar, your girlfriend, or your wife) is a whole different ballgame.
In matters of love, women are strange, perpetually insecure creatures that are loyal only to strength.
If you constantly use words like “I think” or “In my opinion” – women will think you’re an unconfident beta male who is too scared to say what he thinks (to top it off, many of them find it dishonest).
They will think you are weak and passive.
thinks feels you’re not “sure of yourself”, she will have no attraction towards you (women are not attracted to men they consider weak); you will end up in the friendzone.
Women want a man who is strong, sure, and confident. If you want a woman to be attracted to you, you have to be more savage – you say what you think with no qualifiers. Be unapologetic.
How to Win Friends and Influence People is a great book for dealing with men, but it’s a terrible book for dealing with women.
No “I think”, no “in my opinion” – with women you have to speak unapologetically. This is who I am and this is what I have to say. It is the only language women respect.
Anything else and she’ll think that you’re a timid coward.
Soyboys will tell you that men and women are the same and that you’re being a jerk, but women don’t sleep with soyboys.
Women sleep with jerks and assholes, and then complain about them to soyboys, only to pounce on the next jerk they meet. Soyboys don’t understand the game, so don’t listen to them.
Now, I’m not asking you to treat women badly, all I’m saying is that you cannot be overly diplomatic and nice with women if you want them to respect you and give you authority.
By the way, if you took issue with the words “give you authority” – I guarantee that you’re a soyboy, whether you like it or not.
Regardless of what women say, women want strong dominant men.
Go by her actions, not by her words. Women pick dominant jerks over weak sweet nice guys (even though they say they want nice guys).
Sure, being a dominant good man is best, but the point is that if you want a woman to be attracted to you – it can only come from a position of strength, confidence, and dominance.
You may think that you are being nice and “respectful”, but if you aren’t dominant and strong, she will only think that you’re weak.
Being diplomatic is an asset when dealing with men, but it’s a liability when dealing with women you want attraction from.
Women and men are different; do not handle them the same way.
Hope this helps.