Hello,
I am your favorite politician, celebrity, and actor.
You Must Reduce Carbon Emissions
I have come to you today on my favorite private jet to deliver to you an important message about the environment.
My private jet is a more expensive model than Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Gulfstream III ($35 million) but cheaper than Oprah’s Gulfstream G650 ($75 million).
“Owning a plane is a guilty pleasure. Warren Buffett called his the Indefensible. I do get to a lot of places for Foundation work I wouldn’t be able to go to without it.” – Bill Gates
Yes that’s a real quote from Bill Gates, who owns 4 private jets and is the author of “How to Avoid a Climate Disaster”. My friend Bill Gates and I really care about the environment. That’s why we’ve come all this way to tell you something important.
Lately when I fly above your house in my jet or ride in my $2 million Bugatti, I see that the temperature is a little hotter than it used to be. I think the issue might be carbon dioxide or something.
Listen, you need to stop whatever you’re doing and produce a lot less carbon dioxide.
You have to understand the math:
Let’s say I fly 22,000 minutes in my private jet this year.
That’s not a lot. Taylor Swift flew more than me (22,923 minutes) in just the 7 months of January and July 2022 when she wasn’t even touring. Most famous celebrities fly more than me.
In this time, my jet alone produced about 8,000 tonnes of emissions. That’s more than 1000 times the annual emissions of regular people such as you.
If 2000 of you halve your emissions (i.e. stop breathing, eat grasshoppers, no more cars, etc.), one more celebrity can travel in a private jet. We need your help.
Don’t be so selfish and do your part in saving the environment.
I’m not asking for too much. I am just like you. I am not like the other celebrities.
I only have 5 cars. Arnold has more than 10, including a multi-million dollar Bugatti Veyron.
You need to stop being selfish and drive an electric car or use public transport instead of your cheap and reliable pick up truck.
You Must Stop Eating Meat
Eating meat is bad. Meat causes a lot of carbon and other emissions in the air and leads to climate change.
Yes it’s true that I eat lots of meat like most other celebrities. It’s also true that I eat the highest quality meat, but the environment is not about me alone.
You must switch to an entirely vegan diet and supplement with grasshoppers and crickets for your protein needs.
Stop being selfish. Quit eating meat and start eating grasshoppers. We must save the environment. All of us, but mostly you.
You Must Live in a Pod
We are tired of all these apartment building blocking the view from our mansions.
It’s important to control the concrete jungle from spreading, which is why you need to live in a pod.
We made property prices and rent extremely expensive so that instead of giving you the illusion of choice, we make the choice for you.
Speaking of housing:
We Must Stop Ocean Levels From Rising
All the climate change you are causing is making the icebergs melt and leading to ocean levels rising.
You know I really believe that ocean levels are rising because I put my money where my mouth is. I bought my second oceanfront property.
Of course, I’m not nearly as rich as Kim Kardashian – her oceanfront mansion in Malibu cost $70 million. Mine is a much more modest house like Leonardo DiCaprio’s.
Stop being selfish and stop temperatures from rising. I cannot swim.
We Must Empower Women™
We must empower women. You must wear a shirt that says “I am a feminist”
By buying our products, you are empowering women. If you do not purchase what we’re selling you are the reason why women have been oppressed for thousands of years.
Speaking of Oppression – I Am Oppressed
Just like LeBron James said, “we’ve been oppressed for far too long”.
So what if LeBron is a billionaire? Are you saying that just because I have a billion dollars a mansion – I can’t be oppressed by regular people like you who work 60 hours a week to feed your family?
That’s racist. You’re racist. Stop being racist.
To help fix everything, I am imposing an additional tax on you.
It’s called the environment tax. I know you are struggling to make rent because we keep inflating the costs of everything by printing more money, but this is for a good cause. It’s for the environment.
We all pay our fair share of taxes.
Yes I am aware that most of us were named in the Panama Papers for using shell companies to avoid paying taxes. So what? We all pay our fair share of taxes.
I pay 0.25% while you pay 35%. It only makes sense when you use logic.
To summarize the instructions we just gave you:
- You must live in a pod
- You must pay an environment tax
- You Must Reduce Carbon Emissions
- You must start eating bugs and stop eating meat
- You must buy more of our products to stop racism and empower women™
Instead of being so selfish, it’s time you became responsible and did your fair share of the work to protect the environment.
With that said, me and my fellow celebrities, rich people, and politician friends need to leave in our private jets because we have to go another environmental conference.
Hope you have a good day and don’t forget to drink from a paper straw.
– Harsh Strongman, Climate’s Greatest Warrior
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